Thursday, July 28, 2011

Healthy destruction

Illness is a strange thing. You're always healthy... until one day you're not.

Plagued by mysterious shooting and stabbing pains through the muscles in my arms and legs, I went to a bunch of doctors who never figured anything out.

With utter humiliation, I stopped working in June.

I felt completely betrayed by my body and the universe that had stolen not only my hopes and dreams from me but now my health. Of course, I couldn't stay angry. I couldn't wallow in self pity. Don't get me wrong, I did plenty of both (and sometimes still do) but I couldn't keep going like that. When people say misery loves company, yes the straightforward answer is that miserable people like to make others around them miserable too but when it's just one person? I think that misery can multiply inside yourself.

So I started reading things online and in books and listening to guided imagery audio files.

And I actually started to settle into things.

Don't get me wrong... I don't want to sound like I'm fully at peace and that I've completely accepted the fact that I can't even go to the mailbox or take a shower more than two days in a row without blinding hot pain racing through my limbs... But at least now it's getting better.

Instead of being angry and miserable all the time, I'm only angry and miserable some of the time. And, hey, it's always the little things.