I didn't really sleep Saturday night. The rain and the wind was so loud I have no idea how my husband slept through it. It sound like a herd of elephants were river dancing on our roof. As if that wasn't bad enough there was this pervasive constant roar of the wind. I fell asleep around 5:30 when the rain finally died down enough to make it quieter. In my latest insomnia news, I have a feeling that what doctors have been telling me about caffeine is right. Ever since I stopped working my intake of caffeine has decreased a great deal. And on the weeks when I'm consuming literally zero coffee, I'm actually sleeping better. Well, not really sleeping better. I'm waking up better. I wake up far less groggy. I'm very not happy about that. I do love my coffee in the morning. Actually I just love coffee.
One of our neighbor's trees fell down about 3 houses down the street. That seemed to be the only major damage I could see from the yard. I'm sure other trees came down but Chris and I didn't really drive around looking at the damage. Most of what was littered everywhere was leaves and small branches. All in all, not bad.
The only real inconvenience was the loss of electricity. It went out around 5AM and didn't come back on until 10PM. Again, not really all that bad. There are quite a few people, like Chris's friend Steve, who don't have power and the power company doesn't expect them to have it back on until Friday or later.
I still haven't done any painting. I am in the middle of creating some shadow boxes so I can control the light on my still lives better. Basically I've spray painted the inside of some cardboard boxes black. I'm really trying to minimize the amount of light bouncing around. I need to do more web searching to see if there are some other ideas I can use.
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Next to last class
I knew the great night of sleep I got on Sunday night would come back to haunt me. I didn't fall asleep last night until around 6:30 in the morning. I did manage to drag myself out of bed around 9 and get to my art class. I thought it was going to be the last class and since I missed last week's class, I was worried about time constraints. Turns out that the model was out also and they had someone else so I actually didn't miss anything. And it turns out we're going to get one more week to make up for it which works out even better.
I tried to work on the painting from a picture I had taken with my phone but the camera on my phone isn't all that great so the picture was useless for any fine detail. It was good enough to block in some of the values, get a decent approximation of the skin tone and correct some drawing errors. I should have taken a picture of that stage but I completely forgot.
It all worked out so much better when I got back in front of the live model. The studio had the air turned up a little too high and she was cold so this time she put her sweater around her arms and it looked really nice so I decided to include it. I'm also happy that this painting is starting to move away from looking like a police sketch drawing and beginning to look like an actual individual. In the past my portraits tend to get stuck in that generic sort of stage. Yes they look like a human. Yes you can tell if it's male or female. But it looks like a person you saw out of the corner of your eye. It has no characteristics of the individual. I really need to get my teacher's advice on how to get farther away from that police sketch stage.
There is still a lot of fine tuning to do. I hope the pictures I got come out okay because this is not something that I'll be satisfied with after only one more session with the model. There are just too many little things all over the place that need to be adjusted.
I tried to work on the painting from a picture I had taken with my phone but the camera on my phone isn't all that great so the picture was useless for any fine detail. It was good enough to block in some of the values, get a decent approximation of the skin tone and correct some drawing errors. I should have taken a picture of that stage but I completely forgot.
It all worked out so much better when I got back in front of the live model. The studio had the air turned up a little too high and she was cold so this time she put her sweater around her arms and it looked really nice so I decided to include it. I'm also happy that this painting is starting to move away from looking like a police sketch drawing and beginning to look like an actual individual. In the past my portraits tend to get stuck in that generic sort of stage. Yes they look like a human. Yes you can tell if it's male or female. But it looks like a person you saw out of the corner of your eye. It has no characteristics of the individual. I really need to get my teacher's advice on how to get farther away from that police sketch stage.
There is still a lot of fine tuning to do. I hope the pictures I got come out okay because this is not something that I'll be satisfied with after only one more session with the model. There are just too many little things all over the place that need to be adjusted.
Monday, August 22, 2011
BIG Triumph!
A full night of sleep with minimal problems falling asleep and I didn't wake up once in the night. It's like a small miracle. I honestly don't think I could be happier right now. I'm not even bummed about the pain in my legs today.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Small Victory
I managed to fall asleep at around 1:30 in the morning for about an hour and a half. It was one of those short stints of sleep where you wake up and haven't even realized that you've been asleep. Of course that didn't stop me from be up ever since. But hell I fell asleep! I mean, at a normal hour. Okay I wasn't asleep long but it's something!
After I finish this I'm going to try sleeping again for a little while. I have to be at my parent's house for dinner today. Dad's really worried about Mom and as usual he's in hyper-control freak mode. Like Mom's lung is going to grow more cancer if he's not at her side. I should back up. More than 10 years ago my mother had breast cancer. I was just a teenager at the time so I pretty much ignored it. She got better and the doctors have watched her closely ever since and this year they found something.
It's hard to get an accurate picture from my parents. Don't get me wrong. I love them. Really. It's just that my mother isn't exactly what you'd call the sharpest knife in the drawer. She sort of wanders through life with her head in the clouds or jammed into the sand. She has two states of mind. Either she's oblivious or she's ignoring something. Medical jargon isn't exactly something she even attempts to figure out. To make matters worse, my father doesn't pay attention to really what the doctors are saying. He's all into hidden meanings my father... how was it said... in what tone of voice... why this word was placed by this one. In fact, since they've found this spot on my Mom's lung, all my Dad keeps asking me is "What do you think he really means by he's taking a subtle approach?" And all my Mom can keep asking me is what the word "subtle" means and why isn't it spelled the way it sounds. I'm in the dark and have no idea what's going on because nothing that comes out of their mouths makes any sense.
Which reminds me I have to warn my husband about the whole "subtle" thing because they'll be bothering him about that too.
After I finish this I'm going to try sleeping again for a little while. I have to be at my parent's house for dinner today. Dad's really worried about Mom and as usual he's in hyper-control freak mode. Like Mom's lung is going to grow more cancer if he's not at her side. I should back up. More than 10 years ago my mother had breast cancer. I was just a teenager at the time so I pretty much ignored it. She got better and the doctors have watched her closely ever since and this year they found something.
It's hard to get an accurate picture from my parents. Don't get me wrong. I love them. Really. It's just that my mother isn't exactly what you'd call the sharpest knife in the drawer. She sort of wanders through life with her head in the clouds or jammed into the sand. She has two states of mind. Either she's oblivious or she's ignoring something. Medical jargon isn't exactly something she even attempts to figure out. To make matters worse, my father doesn't pay attention to really what the doctors are saying. He's all into hidden meanings my father... how was it said... in what tone of voice... why this word was placed by this one. In fact, since they've found this spot on my Mom's lung, all my Dad keeps asking me is "What do you think he really means by he's taking a subtle approach?" And all my Mom can keep asking me is what the word "subtle" means and why isn't it spelled the way it sounds. I'm in the dark and have no idea what's going on because nothing that comes out of their mouths makes any sense.
Which reminds me I have to warn my husband about the whole "subtle" thing because they'll be bothering him about that too.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Mug Series
As usual I was unable to sleep last night. I'm positive that my schedule has become "delayed" as the moronic sleep specialists like to call it. Before Chris left on his little trip, I was well on my way to fixing it. I was falling asleep at an hour that was decent (for me anyway) and waking up pretty much at the same time every day and it went on like this for about two weeks. Even though I was getting a good 6 hours of sleep a night, it was sleep at a time when my body didn't want it. So I'd roll myself out of bed at 8 or 9. Every muscle in my back tense and stiff. My legs, arms and shoulders screaming with shooting and stabbing pains. Of course, I'd also feel like I'd gotten absolutely no sleep at all. My forehead usually was pounding and I was totally nauseated. I'd drag myself around for most of the day feeling like I had some horrible combination of the flu and food poisoning. If I'd been able to keep it up for a month, it would have started to get better. But then my husband went on one of his helicopter hobby trips. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have cared. But I knew that him leaving would send me into an emotional tail spin. Not to mention the fact that I can barely dress myself let alone do any sort of household chore. I knew it would be a complete and utter disaster and it was. I was appalled that he'd leave me alone in my state for so long. I can manage two days or while he's at work... but 5? I thought he was acting selfish and inconsiderate and let him know it. My only consolation is that his little 5 day excursion was about as horrible as mine. He decided to drive and was stuck in the car for 13 hours with people he wasn't exactly thrilled about. Plus weather problems at the event itself. I tried to be sympathetic when he got back but he could tell I was faking it.
So anyway, around 5:30 in the morning I gave up on attempting to sleep. I wandered into my little make-shift studio, laid out my paints and started this painting. I have a bunch of mugs and I may do a whole series of them.
PRO
1) I feel I really got the reflections made by the fabric well.
2) The negative space the handle is forming is actually damned near perfect to the model.
3) I managed to place the mug correctly on the canvas. It's exactly where I wanted it.
CON
1) I wish I could have captured the fabric the mug was sitting on better. It's a beautiful quarter yard from my quilting collection. I deliberately simplified it down to a simple stripe because I really wanted the reflection practice.
2) Despite a few measurements, the actual mug is shorter and wider than this mug. Even though I measured the mug's width and height, I still wasn't able to capture the squat look of the original mug.
3) Also the actual mug is white and you'd think this was painted from more of a cream colored subject.
4) The mug's still has some minor drawing issues. The mug itself is not symmetrical which is making it appear taller on the right than the left. The correct left edge is not matching up with the incorrect right edge. The rim is also not symmetrical.
LESSON
Buy better god damned paint. When I made my charge back into oil painting, I did what many beginners do. I cheaped out. I bought student grade paints and brushes and I've been regretting that decision ever since. Cheap brushes are generally the first thing to break down so those have long since been placed. The paint tubes last longer though. I have slowly been replacing them with higher quality paints but some of those tubes are lasting way longer than I thought they would. As usual I need to step backwards more often. I probably really need to start standing up when I paint.
I laid out the painting flat to dry and set up what I'm going to be diving into tomorrow if I'm able to. I really need to organize my studio area. Right now it's serving a dual purpose as cat corral and art studio. My oldest cat, Hannah, had something of a breakdown last year around Thanksgiving and we have kept her separated from the other cats ever since. She is terrified of all the other cats in the house (to the point of spontaneous urination and defecation at the sight of them) and doesn't want to emerge from that room. Behavior therapy and finally medication have not helped her so in her little room she stays. It is getting rather cluttered with items that really should be in other parts of the house.
So anyway, around 5:30 in the morning I gave up on attempting to sleep. I wandered into my little make-shift studio, laid out my paints and started this painting. I have a bunch of mugs and I may do a whole series of them.
PRO
1) I feel I really got the reflections made by the fabric well.
2) The negative space the handle is forming is actually damned near perfect to the model.
3) I managed to place the mug correctly on the canvas. It's exactly where I wanted it.
CON
1) I wish I could have captured the fabric the mug was sitting on better. It's a beautiful quarter yard from my quilting collection. I deliberately simplified it down to a simple stripe because I really wanted the reflection practice.
2) Despite a few measurements, the actual mug is shorter and wider than this mug. Even though I measured the mug's width and height, I still wasn't able to capture the squat look of the original mug.
3) Also the actual mug is white and you'd think this was painted from more of a cream colored subject.
4) The mug's still has some minor drawing issues. The mug itself is not symmetrical which is making it appear taller on the right than the left. The correct left edge is not matching up with the incorrect right edge. The rim is also not symmetrical.
LESSON
Buy better god damned paint. When I made my charge back into oil painting, I did what many beginners do. I cheaped out. I bought student grade paints and brushes and I've been regretting that decision ever since. Cheap brushes are generally the first thing to break down so those have long since been placed. The paint tubes last longer though. I have slowly been replacing them with higher quality paints but some of those tubes are lasting way longer than I thought they would. As usual I need to step backwards more often. I probably really need to start standing up when I paint.
I laid out the painting flat to dry and set up what I'm going to be diving into tomorrow if I'm able to. I really need to organize my studio area. Right now it's serving a dual purpose as cat corral and art studio. My oldest cat, Hannah, had something of a breakdown last year around Thanksgiving and we have kept her separated from the other cats ever since. She is terrified of all the other cats in the house (to the point of spontaneous urination and defecation at the sight of them) and doesn't want to emerge from that room. Behavior therapy and finally medication have not helped her so in her little room she stays. It is getting rather cluttered with items that really should be in other parts of the house.
On to still life
I want to try to set up a nice little single item still life. I had set up a wine bottle. I like to take the labels off so I have naked glass but this bottle's label was quite stubborn. When I took it out of the dishwasher, the label was ripped in a few spots. It looked so good I left it like that. I had set that one up first but then I decided I wanted something smaller and easier. I went with a white mug my Mom got me from starbucks while she was in Las Vegas. i toned the canvases for it tonight. Well they're not canvases they're canvas panels I got on sale at Michaels. I tried to improve the painting surface with some gesso. Actually I may break into one of those gessoboards now that I'm thinking of it. Maybe one of my cool mugs. There was a mug challenge on DPW (Daily paintworks).
That's my plan for tomorrow. PAINT! I'm sick of working on these long term paintings. I really want to try to just crank one out. It must be doable. I see all these other people do it.
Of course I'm up at this ungodly hour because I can't sleep. Which is why I toned the canvases tonight since I wasn't doing anything else but reading some teen novel series. Yes, I'm 33 and I occasionally read YA fiction. My friend MaryBeth introduced me to the whole Percy Jackson series. Oddly enough it's not the storylines or the great quests or adventures that I'm loving. It's how the greek gods have evolved to fit the times. Hermes carries around an electronic signature pad when he delivers packages. He has a cell phone. Apollo pulls the sun across the sky in a bright red Maserati. Ares rides a harley. And you'll find Hephaestus tinkering under the hood of a car in a mechanic's jumpsuit with his name embroidered on it. They have Hephaestus TV, all reality shows all the time! See, that's the shit that makes me giggle.
And I need a good giggle. It's been better since Chris has been back. I'm not as anxious about random bumps and noises in the house. Not that I think Chris is a good protector. An excellent provider yes. A protector? Sorry ladies, when you marry a nerd, trust me, you're going to want to be the one holding the bat and checking out the noise in the middle of the night. Oh i have no doubt in a real danger, Chris would have no second thought about putting himself between me and a mugger's gun. He wouldn't do anything so stupid as to try to save the situation and that I love him for. A knight in shining armor can still turn into a dead knight in shining armor.
Forgive any typoes. I don't have my glasses on.
That's my plan for tomorrow. PAINT! I'm sick of working on these long term paintings. I really want to try to just crank one out. It must be doable. I see all these other people do it.
Of course I'm up at this ungodly hour because I can't sleep. Which is why I toned the canvases tonight since I wasn't doing anything else but reading some teen novel series. Yes, I'm 33 and I occasionally read YA fiction. My friend MaryBeth introduced me to the whole Percy Jackson series. Oddly enough it's not the storylines or the great quests or adventures that I'm loving. It's how the greek gods have evolved to fit the times. Hermes carries around an electronic signature pad when he delivers packages. He has a cell phone. Apollo pulls the sun across the sky in a bright red Maserati. Ares rides a harley. And you'll find Hephaestus tinkering under the hood of a car in a mechanic's jumpsuit with his name embroidered on it. They have Hephaestus TV, all reality shows all the time! See, that's the shit that makes me giggle.
And I need a good giggle. It's been better since Chris has been back. I'm not as anxious about random bumps and noises in the house. Not that I think Chris is a good protector. An excellent provider yes. A protector? Sorry ladies, when you marry a nerd, trust me, you're going to want to be the one holding the bat and checking out the noise in the middle of the night. Oh i have no doubt in a real danger, Chris would have no second thought about putting himself between me and a mugger's gun. He wouldn't do anything so stupid as to try to save the situation and that I love him for. A knight in shining armor can still turn into a dead knight in shining armor.
Forgive any typoes. I don't have my glasses on.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Signed Cherries!
The cherries finally dried and I was able to paint in the stems. Something is still bothering me about the damned thing and I can't figure out what it is. I admit that I'm the type of person who will continually futz with a painting but there's something more than that about this one. I mean it's usually the little things I tend to screw around with ad nauseum. There's something larger here and I think it's compositional.
Ah well, it's heading off to my parent's house after it's dry anyway. That way I won't have to look at it very often and it won't have to bother me.
I really do like still life. You can control the composition. You can control the light to some extent. I'll probably do more still life. When I was a kid, I used to paint on large canvases. In fact, the bigger the better. But I'm finding a lot of these smaller canvases are so much nicer. The less surface area is really nice. I have some gessoboard I really want to experiment with.
As usual, I can't sleep. I'm not quite sure why I'm so frazzled lately. I fell asleep for about 4 hours this (technically yesterday) morning (8AM to noon). The night before that it was from 4AM until about 10. The night before that, I got no sleep at all. I'm not really sure how to approach it anymore. I mostly spend the night trying to fall asleep about every hour with other activities in between. I got into bed around 11. Laid in bed with my eyes shut not falling asleep until about 1:30. Read for about an hour. Tried again to sleep around 2:30 until about near 4. Got up, painted my cherry stems. And here I still am.
And as usual I walked around dragging myself all day, barely able to keep my eyes open. Except for when I actually got into bed. Then my eyes snapped right open and I was wide awake. Probably could have run a damned marathon.
I can't wait until tonight. When I get to repeat this happy process.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
This brain runs on fumes...
While some things may be changing about my illness, somethings remain the same. And it always turns out that sleep deprivation always makes the pain worse. Without a doubt, if I have not slept, I will be in pain during the coming day regardless of anything else. It's the one thing I can absolutely count on. Two sleepless nights in under 7 days. I'd like to say that's a record for me but it isn't. At one point a few years ago I was falling asleep only every other day, but it's certainly my worst sleep stretch in at least two years. I guess I'll try to chalk it up to left over pms and a traveling husband insanity.
But as usual when I see the sun come up, I desperately try not to fall asleep until it goes back down again. When trying to pull an all nighter as an adult, I never intend to fall asleep. It's an accident or a weakening of the will. I rest my head back on the couch and close my eyes for a second or I tell myself I'll just lay down for a few hours and before I know it? 8 or 9 hours have gone by. So today has been a steady stream of working through my pain and exhaustion, while doing my best to keep my eyes wide open and not accidentally fall asleep.
Paint. The first order of business. I was supposed to go to art class this morning but an all nighter means absolutely NO driving. I've fallen asleep at the wheel before. There's usually no warning and it's so lightning fast you never notice. One second your car is in the left lane. The next? It's on the grassy shoulder and to your own utter horror you have no memory of the time in between. And it can happen even on that 5 minute trip around the corner. I think that any driver who even risks it is absolutely friggin' completely insane.
So I started filling in cherries this morning at around 10AM. I am waiting for them to dry so I can fill in the stems. I don't know quite what I want to do about stems yet. I suppose I'll also have to adjust some of the shadows to match the stems however I decide to draw them in. It's going to be an artistic license thing because I don't like the way the stems appear on the actual still life. I'm only working from a poor picture now.
I really do love the way it's turning out. There's just something about the composition I cannot wrap my brain around. Maybe it's how one sided it is. Like the pitcher and the cherries are just off on one side and then there's this big chunk of empty blue cloth on the left side. It might just be my eye that's drawn to it. I find that when you become more familiar with a painting, you only see the flaws that are glaring to you and not to anyone else. Maybe I should turn the thing upside down or on its side or something. I don't know really how to become "unfamiliar" with it. And I don't know how to figure out exactly what it is that's bothering me. Last class, I may bring it back to the teacher to figure out what it is. I appreciate her encouragement. But I really hope she can tell me what it is that may be off.
But as usual when I see the sun come up, I desperately try not to fall asleep until it goes back down again. When trying to pull an all nighter as an adult, I never intend to fall asleep. It's an accident or a weakening of the will. I rest my head back on the couch and close my eyes for a second or I tell myself I'll just lay down for a few hours and before I know it? 8 or 9 hours have gone by. So today has been a steady stream of working through my pain and exhaustion, while doing my best to keep my eyes wide open and not accidentally fall asleep.
Paint. The first order of business. I was supposed to go to art class this morning but an all nighter means absolutely NO driving. I've fallen asleep at the wheel before. There's usually no warning and it's so lightning fast you never notice. One second your car is in the left lane. The next? It's on the grassy shoulder and to your own utter horror you have no memory of the time in between. And it can happen even on that 5 minute trip around the corner. I think that any driver who even risks it is absolutely friggin' completely insane.
So I started filling in cherries this morning at around 10AM. I am waiting for them to dry so I can fill in the stems. I don't know quite what I want to do about stems yet. I suppose I'll also have to adjust some of the shadows to match the stems however I decide to draw them in. It's going to be an artistic license thing because I don't like the way the stems appear on the actual still life. I'm only working from a poor picture now.
I really do love the way it's turning out. There's just something about the composition I cannot wrap my brain around. Maybe it's how one sided it is. Like the pitcher and the cherries are just off on one side and then there's this big chunk of empty blue cloth on the left side. It might just be my eye that's drawn to it. I find that when you become more familiar with a painting, you only see the flaws that are glaring to you and not to anyone else. Maybe I should turn the thing upside down or on its side or something. I don't know really how to become "unfamiliar" with it. And I don't know how to figure out exactly what it is that's bothering me. Last class, I may bring it back to the teacher to figure out what it is. I appreciate her encouragement. But I really hope she can tell me what it is that may be off.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Feeling so much better today
Since my husband has been away at his radio controlled helicopter adventure, I have been feeling pretty miserable. Don't get me wrong, I miss him but I'm not really feeling all that lonely. I've mostly been feeling vulnerable and filled to the brim with anxiety. It's relaxed a little now and my spirits have raised. For a few days there, I was feeling really miserable and depressed. The insomnia is still bad as ever. After not sleeping all Thursday night, I finally did fall asleep at around 3AM last night. But I'm still awake now but it's not causing me any worries. I may only try to catch a catnap for this unit of sleep.
I think that what has raised my spirits the most has been the relative pain-free existence I've had for the past 24 hours. I'm still quite weak and have very little stamina but I think that this coming week I may try to build back into my normal household routine. I tried it this past week with poor results.
I fiddled with the cherry and pitcher still life painting a little more. I didn't feel the need to take or post a picture since all I did was futz with the left edge of that pitcher. It looks way better now but the change is so subtle I doubt it would show up on a picture. Unfortunately, that edge is STILL bothering me. I found it very useful to turn the painting on its side. A good lesson was learned there. Just because it's going to be viewed right side up doesn't mean you have to paint it that way. I found it much easier to see the flaws in the two edges once I turned it on its side with the offending edge on the bottom. I'm now starting to think that a small waver in the right edge is actually what may be causing me to feel the left edge is so wrong. I'm going to correct that tomorrow.
I am also planning on diving into the cherries tomorrow. I'm trying to figure out exactly how I want to do the cherries. I think there's going to be a lot of creative license here where it comes to color and I think it could make or break the composition which I already think is a little flawed. I pondered moving the cherries around and changing them by printing out the cherries and just tacking them up onto the painting and I can't seem to find a composition I'm happy with. I think I should have placed the whole composition more to the left of the canvas. That way I could have used the cherries as a way to lead the eye into the bowl and pitcher. I suppose I could paint over the whole damned thing and start again but I think I need to just let it go and keep it as a reminder to plan better in the future.
I was thinking of fiddling with the portrait painting as well but I think I want to keep the pressure of having the painting done only in class. It's good to have a time limit. I really want to set up a nice simple still life at home but I don't really have any idea how to properly control the lighting. I'll ask my teacher next class if she can give me any suggestions about that.
I think that what has raised my spirits the most has been the relative pain-free existence I've had for the past 24 hours. I'm still quite weak and have very little stamina but I think that this coming week I may try to build back into my normal household routine. I tried it this past week with poor results.
I fiddled with the cherry and pitcher still life painting a little more. I didn't feel the need to take or post a picture since all I did was futz with the left edge of that pitcher. It looks way better now but the change is so subtle I doubt it would show up on a picture. Unfortunately, that edge is STILL bothering me. I found it very useful to turn the painting on its side. A good lesson was learned there. Just because it's going to be viewed right side up doesn't mean you have to paint it that way. I found it much easier to see the flaws in the two edges once I turned it on its side with the offending edge on the bottom. I'm now starting to think that a small waver in the right edge is actually what may be causing me to feel the left edge is so wrong. I'm going to correct that tomorrow.
I am also planning on diving into the cherries tomorrow. I'm trying to figure out exactly how I want to do the cherries. I think there's going to be a lot of creative license here where it comes to color and I think it could make or break the composition which I already think is a little flawed. I pondered moving the cherries around and changing them by printing out the cherries and just tacking them up onto the painting and I can't seem to find a composition I'm happy with. I think I should have placed the whole composition more to the left of the canvas. That way I could have used the cherries as a way to lead the eye into the bowl and pitcher. I suppose I could paint over the whole damned thing and start again but I think I need to just let it go and keep it as a reminder to plan better in the future.
I was thinking of fiddling with the portrait painting as well but I think I want to keep the pressure of having the painting done only in class. It's good to have a time limit. I really want to set up a nice simple still life at home but I don't really have any idea how to properly control the lighting. I'll ask my teacher next class if she can give me any suggestions about that.
Friday, August 12, 2011
48 hours
At this point I've been awake for 48 hours. I'm being painfully reminded of two years ago when I could only manage to fall asleep on my couch in the living room and only after the sun had finally risen. At one point, I had gone 60 hours without sleep. I remember laying on my couch like a zombie, watching late night television. I fought sleep every single time I felt it creep up on me.
I remember how it felt; how my body had screeched with adrenaline every time I felt my eyes shut; and how my heart raced with terror, jolting me awake. I remember crying hour after hour wanting nothing but to fall asleep for a little while but feeling nothing but cold sweats and clammy hands every time I felt myself drifting off.
Two years and I'm right back where I was.
I remember how it felt; how my body had screeched with adrenaline every time I felt my eyes shut; and how my heart raced with terror, jolting me awake. I remember crying hour after hour wanting nothing but to fall asleep for a little while but feeling nothing but cold sweats and clammy hands every time I felt myself drifting off.
Two years and I'm right back where I was.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
More insomnia
I sat around today. Didn't actually do anything particularly constructive or useful. It was nice actually and I find it odd how some days, even in my long passed months of illness and inactivity, I can still find it nice to have a day of just sitting about doing nothing and not worrying about anything. Not really true, I worried about a lot of things.
I think it's in a woman's nature to worry. I've met quite a few carefree men in my life, but I don't think I've ever met a woman with the same amount of carefree attitude. Maybe men hide it better?
When my panic attacks started over two years ago, what frustrated me the most about them is I had no idea what on earth caused them. I'm always so obsessive about my own behavior, turning things over in my head again and again until I can get to the root of why I've done something. These jolts of panic and anxiety seemingly came out of nowhere. Yes, they started after a major change in my life. But there was something deeper. There was a larger reason why that devastating disappointment manifested itself like this. And I couldn't put my finger on it. I still can't. I only see pieces of the puzzle. It's like putting together a jigsaw puzzle when you don't have all the pieces and no idea what the damned thing look like to begin with.
It all circles itself back to death. It's what my panic and anxiety centers on. Who isn't nervous at the thought of their own demise? Who isn't afraid of what lays beyond? It's hard to explain to therapists what goes on in my head especially when I think it's so absurd myself. You'd think knowing how absurd it is would make it easier. It doesn't. It makes me feel weak. It's hard to explain to them that it isn't that I'm afraid of being injured or getting sick. It isn't that I'm afraid of growing old and senile. I merely picture myself at the precise moment of death and experience sheer panic, terror, and the completely absurd desire to flee.
I have largely suppressed and controlled these moments with either sheer will or psychotropic medications. Two years have gone by and still I can't seem to explain to myself where this is coming from. And I feel like I'm no more in control of it than I was two years ago. In fact, I often feel like I'm coming more and more unhinged probably because I've come off of the anti-anxiety/depression medication. And my current therapist's solution seems to only be medication.
I'm reluctant to switch therapists and downgrade, so to speak, from a nurse practitioner to a social worker or psychologist because the RNP can write prescriptions. I still do require the occasional as needed tranquilizer and sleeping pill. It's extremely convenient, not to mention cheaper, to only see one person. It's also hard to find a good therapist that won't let you just sit there and babble but someone who can actually guide things and help you grow and actually get something out of it. And it can take a while, sometimes months, before you realize you're seeing a therapist that isn't helping you.
I think it's in a woman's nature to worry. I've met quite a few carefree men in my life, but I don't think I've ever met a woman with the same amount of carefree attitude. Maybe men hide it better?
When my panic attacks started over two years ago, what frustrated me the most about them is I had no idea what on earth caused them. I'm always so obsessive about my own behavior, turning things over in my head again and again until I can get to the root of why I've done something. These jolts of panic and anxiety seemingly came out of nowhere. Yes, they started after a major change in my life. But there was something deeper. There was a larger reason why that devastating disappointment manifested itself like this. And I couldn't put my finger on it. I still can't. I only see pieces of the puzzle. It's like putting together a jigsaw puzzle when you don't have all the pieces and no idea what the damned thing look like to begin with.
It all circles itself back to death. It's what my panic and anxiety centers on. Who isn't nervous at the thought of their own demise? Who isn't afraid of what lays beyond? It's hard to explain to therapists what goes on in my head especially when I think it's so absurd myself. You'd think knowing how absurd it is would make it easier. It doesn't. It makes me feel weak. It's hard to explain to them that it isn't that I'm afraid of being injured or getting sick. It isn't that I'm afraid of growing old and senile. I merely picture myself at the precise moment of death and experience sheer panic, terror, and the completely absurd desire to flee.
I have largely suppressed and controlled these moments with either sheer will or psychotropic medications. Two years have gone by and still I can't seem to explain to myself where this is coming from. And I feel like I'm no more in control of it than I was two years ago. In fact, I often feel like I'm coming more and more unhinged probably because I've come off of the anti-anxiety/depression medication. And my current therapist's solution seems to only be medication.
I'm reluctant to switch therapists and downgrade, so to speak, from a nurse practitioner to a social worker or psychologist because the RNP can write prescriptions. I still do require the occasional as needed tranquilizer and sleeping pill. It's extremely convenient, not to mention cheaper, to only see one person. It's also hard to find a good therapist that won't let you just sit there and babble but someone who can actually guide things and help you grow and actually get something out of it. And it can take a while, sometimes months, before you realize you're seeing a therapist that isn't helping you.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Another sleepless night.
To this day I wonder how people who can fall asleep do it. I see watch my husband shut off his Kindle or his iPad, roll over and within 10 minutes the man is snoring. And unless I've been awake for more than 24 hours or it's some sort of mid-day exhaustion, I have never had that happen to me. I even remember as a carefree happy child wandering into my parent's bedroom at least once a week to tell them I couldn't sleep. I always found my mother's answer of, "Try harder" a little confusing. It always seems the harder I try to fall asleep, the more it eludes me.
My father, a fellow insomniac, has always been the only one to understand. Although my father does seem to be much better at falling asleep, he is not so good at staying that way. And until I was about 29/30, I had no issues with staying asleep. In fact, once I was out it was nearly impossible to get me back out of bed and awake and that's yet another thing I tend to struggle with every day since after 20 years of chronic insomnia the best regulator of my sleep is when I wake up. The rip your hair out frustrating part is when you're had only 3-4 hours of sleep a night and have been dragging yourself out of bed at 8AM for weeks and still can't fall asleep that night. I don't know if there's any proof to this, it's just observation but I think that sleep deprivation is something you can gradually become accustomed to over long periods. And I'd say 20 years is a long period. Although, not 15 anymore I can't tolerate an all-nighter the way I once could.
I'm sure I'm not doing myself any favors by reading before bed. All the "experts" tell you not to do that and practice what they call "sleep hygiene."My choice of pre-bedtime reading material could be better. I have lately been reading the series of novels that the procedural police drama Rizzoli and Isles is based on. And it wouldn't take a sleep expert to tell you that reading about women being stalked, raped, mutilated and murdered by serial killers isn't a good call for someone with my anxiety problems. I do enjoy reading and I have found it to cause me to fall asleep during the day regardless of the subject choice. I have literally no idea really why it doesn't do that at night. I got through 18 boring chapters of Anna Karenina one sleepless night. I have tried the Bible (my sincere apologies to Christians everywhere, I found it to be very dry at some points). I try not to read Baha'i scripture before bed though because I inevitably become so glued that I can't stop. Actually it's probably not the subject matter of the aforementioned triller novels, it's when some of them are quite gripping they really keep me awake. Stargate novels have that effect on me as well in a "OMG what did they do to Rodney!?" sort of way. I probably should classify everything on my reading list now as before bed reading material vs during the day reading material.
While I tend to think that most of it is a very good idea, there are some parts that are utter rubbish for me. Currently I am engaging in one of their many tips; that if you cannot fall asleep within 20 minutes you should rise out of bed and go do something and then give it another go. I can see how this could work with someone who hasn't been having the problem long so that they don't start to look at their bed and go "shit will I be able to sleep or not" the way I do. I think it's too deep in me now. It's sunk its claws. I know my bed is going to be a place where either sleep and I will regrettable lovers waking in the morning... or we'll be two parents going at it at 3AM because he's worked late again, the baby's screaming and the he's got some lacy knickers in his pocket who aren't his wife's.
I can feel the Ambien kicking in and GABA is being bound up in my brain so you'd think it would have a lovely effect on the gabapentin I'm taking which also acts on the GABA neurochemical system so if anyone is following this blog I would like to apologize for any text that comes after it as I have entered into a state of Ambnesia and gabacrosis. Anway.... oh yes fighting with your bed.
She has just forgotten is all.
My father, a fellow insomniac, has always been the only one to understand. Although my father does seem to be much better at falling asleep, he is not so good at staying that way. And until I was about 29/30, I had no issues with staying asleep. In fact, once I was out it was nearly impossible to get me back out of bed and awake and that's yet another thing I tend to struggle with every day since after 20 years of chronic insomnia the best regulator of my sleep is when I wake up. The rip your hair out frustrating part is when you're had only 3-4 hours of sleep a night and have been dragging yourself out of bed at 8AM for weeks and still can't fall asleep that night. I don't know if there's any proof to this, it's just observation but I think that sleep deprivation is something you can gradually become accustomed to over long periods. And I'd say 20 years is a long period. Although, not 15 anymore I can't tolerate an all-nighter the way I once could.
I'm sure I'm not doing myself any favors by reading before bed. All the "experts" tell you not to do that and practice what they call "sleep hygiene."My choice of pre-bedtime reading material could be better. I have lately been reading the series of novels that the procedural police drama Rizzoli and Isles is based on. And it wouldn't take a sleep expert to tell you that reading about women being stalked, raped, mutilated and murdered by serial killers isn't a good call for someone with my anxiety problems. I do enjoy reading and I have found it to cause me to fall asleep during the day regardless of the subject choice. I have literally no idea really why it doesn't do that at night. I got through 18 boring chapters of Anna Karenina one sleepless night. I have tried the Bible (my sincere apologies to Christians everywhere, I found it to be very dry at some points). I try not to read Baha'i scripture before bed though because I inevitably become so glued that I can't stop. Actually it's probably not the subject matter of the aforementioned triller novels, it's when some of them are quite gripping they really keep me awake. Stargate novels have that effect on me as well in a "OMG what did they do to Rodney!?" sort of way. I probably should classify everything on my reading list now as before bed reading material vs during the day reading material.
While I tend to think that most of it is a very good idea, there are some parts that are utter rubbish for me. Currently I am engaging in one of their many tips; that if you cannot fall asleep within 20 minutes you should rise out of bed and go do something and then give it another go. I can see how this could work with someone who hasn't been having the problem long so that they don't start to look at their bed and go "shit will I be able to sleep or not" the way I do. I think it's too deep in me now. It's sunk its claws. I know my bed is going to be a place where either sleep and I will regrettable lovers waking in the morning... or we'll be two parents going at it at 3AM because he's worked late again, the baby's screaming and the he's got some lacy knickers in his pocket who aren't his wife's.
I can feel the Ambien kicking in and GABA is being bound up in my brain so you'd think it would have a lovely effect on the gabapentin I'm taking which also acts on the GABA neurochemical system so if anyone is following this blog I would like to apologize for any text that comes after it as I have entered into a state of Ambnesia and gabacrosis. Anway.... oh yes fighting with your bed.
She has just forgotten is all.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Awake... at 2:30AM
Not unusual for me as of late but it is probably unusual given the 20mg of Ambien coursing its way through my bloodstream. I can really feel its odd effects. Everything is kind of dreamy. I haven't actually had a full blown out "sleepwalking" incident that you hear about on the commercials. Usually what I do is specifically what they tell you to do when you can't sleep. If you're not asleep within 20 minutes, get up and do something relaxing and quiet for 10-15 minutes and return to bed. Yeah, don't do that if you take ambien but since I'm a chronic and life long insomniac I've been taking ambien for years and years and have built up quite a tolerance. So I can take 20mg (like tonight), not be asleep in 20 minutes, and following the old advice I would get up and do something.
The very first thing I did was some gardening. In the house my husband and I had upstate there was a huge brick fireplace that we liked to leave going all winter long at a roaring crack. The empty wood rack was outside behind our garage and was no longer level. I'd taken my ambien got into bed and couldn't sleep. Sat on the couch. I guess at some point I got up, cleared away the old mulch, leveled the stone tiles the rack sat on and replaced the old mulch with a layer of fresh mulch on top. I woke up with very dirty fingernails and no memory of doing this.
When we moved back down to Long Island, I was still taking the drug. One night I couldn't sleep and decided to sit in my studio. At one point I decided to break out my largest brushes... my most vibrant colors and paint a floral mural on the guest room wall. A large white lily (now masked by the headboard) and a huge sunflower. I also scribbled Baha'i symbols and bits of scripture around the wall and painted a Qiblih line on the ceiling. I had been reading some of the writings of Baha'u'llah's before bed.
Another time I thought it would be best to organize my craft items in the basement. (Scary part here!) Drove our cars into the driveway to get them out of the garage leaving the driver's side door open on my husband's car and (it's a manual) was in neutral. My SUV was in park and all doors were closed. I then used a wheeling cart to move a dresser into the basement from the garage and began rigorously organizing my craft supplies.
The most recent event was after we had gone to dinner at my parent's house. My mother, a retired hairdresser, was lamenting the state of my permanent wave. It had grown out and was not looking fresh. She insisted it "just needed a trim." So unable to fall asleep, I got up, went to the bathroom just to shave a little off. And ended up with something looking layered and shoulder length... but oddly even and bouncy.
So I probably shouldn't continue taking this medication right? Wrong I do still take it. The problem doesn't really occur when I'm in bed. The problem happens if I get up and start doing random crap.... like I'm doing now. I was reading Richard Schmid's Alla Prima: Everything I know about painting. He mentions a few artists I wasn't familiar with so I figured I'd get up and look at some pictures.
No harm in that. Yet.
Look at the pictures and go back to bed kelly. Stop typing. STOP. no I mean it. now.
The very first thing I did was some gardening. In the house my husband and I had upstate there was a huge brick fireplace that we liked to leave going all winter long at a roaring crack. The empty wood rack was outside behind our garage and was no longer level. I'd taken my ambien got into bed and couldn't sleep. Sat on the couch. I guess at some point I got up, cleared away the old mulch, leveled the stone tiles the rack sat on and replaced the old mulch with a layer of fresh mulch on top. I woke up with very dirty fingernails and no memory of doing this.
When we moved back down to Long Island, I was still taking the drug. One night I couldn't sleep and decided to sit in my studio. At one point I decided to break out my largest brushes... my most vibrant colors and paint a floral mural on the guest room wall. A large white lily (now masked by the headboard) and a huge sunflower. I also scribbled Baha'i symbols and bits of scripture around the wall and painted a Qiblih line on the ceiling. I had been reading some of the writings of Baha'u'llah's before bed.
Another time I thought it would be best to organize my craft items in the basement. (Scary part here!) Drove our cars into the driveway to get them out of the garage leaving the driver's side door open on my husband's car and (it's a manual) was in neutral. My SUV was in park and all doors were closed. I then used a wheeling cart to move a dresser into the basement from the garage and began rigorously organizing my craft supplies.
The most recent event was after we had gone to dinner at my parent's house. My mother, a retired hairdresser, was lamenting the state of my permanent wave. It had grown out and was not looking fresh. She insisted it "just needed a trim." So unable to fall asleep, I got up, went to the bathroom just to shave a little off. And ended up with something looking layered and shoulder length... but oddly even and bouncy.
So I probably shouldn't continue taking this medication right? Wrong I do still take it. The problem doesn't really occur when I'm in bed. The problem happens if I get up and start doing random crap.... like I'm doing now. I was reading Richard Schmid's Alla Prima: Everything I know about painting. He mentions a few artists I wasn't familiar with so I figured I'd get up and look at some pictures.
No harm in that. Yet.
Look at the pictures and go back to bed kelly. Stop typing. STOP. no I mean it. now.
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