collage in my future...

When I was younger, I was always very preoccupied with how things were supposed to be. I'd draw animals that were always brown. Skies and oceans were always blue. Houses were always white. That's how they're supposed to be. My parents encouraged that sort of thinking. Rigid and strict definitions help children to learn the world slowly and are easier to comprehend at a young age. Sometimes I think that it took me a really long time to break out of that and to see the world differently with my own vision and my own self. Then again, it takes time to develop one's sense of self and that development never really stops. I'm 32 and while I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin these days, I think who I am will always be constantly evolving.

A long time ago, I stopped creating art out of frustration. None of the drawings or paintings looked the way I thought they were supposed to look. I found the creative process frustrating because always burning in the back of my head was the constant question of, "Is this the right way?" or "Is this how it's supposed to look?" The concept of the fact that no art is "wrong" art was completely lost on me when I was a teenager. So I ceased painting and attempting to create art.

Ever since my rejection from veterinary school, I've really been digging deep into my life to find some meaning. The dream of vet school consumed my life for 7 years. I lived it. I breathed it. I poured so much of myself into it that when I lost it, I lost myself. Ever since that day in January 2009, I have felt a hole building in me. It's like a black hole that is suddenly there but slowly pulls in everything around it leaving destruction behind. There's no real description for how empty I have felt in the past year. I've been slowly trying to fill that hole. Baha'u'llah stated in the Kitab-i-Aqdas, "Waste not your hours in idleness and sloth, but occupy yourselves with what will profit you and others." Too much free time is so not good for the spirit.

I need to reinvent myself again. I need to start refilling the void that this great disappointment has left in my life. I see art forming on canvases and paper. I've started oil painting again. I've started sketching again. I want to move into collage art. I see something forming in my mind now. I see copper wire and large print block letters and cards from library card catalogs. I want to make the blocks myself, carved from wood. I want really large block fonts in odd proportions like tall and skinny letters and short fat ones. I would love to use cardboard too. I can see swirls of cardboard glued together on end or cardboard glued together on end and cut into different shapes. Maybe some cut wood pieces would be an interesting addition as well.